I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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