I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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