Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
