First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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