You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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