So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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