You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
