So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
