Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
