I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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