first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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