im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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