dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
