the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
