bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
