I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
