Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
