Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Randomize
