i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
