I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
