Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
