If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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