The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
