Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
