im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I forgot how hot balto sounded
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
