my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
