My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If I had your ass I would rule the world
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
