dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
