Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Randomize
