I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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