Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
