Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
