I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We left the knife in your bed.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
