My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
