I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
