running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
