Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
