god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
