Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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