possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
