meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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