someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize