I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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