Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
