They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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