Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
