I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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