The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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