I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
