just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
