Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize