I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I cut my penus on the lid.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
