Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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