I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
