I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
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