and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
