I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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