They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
