So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
