I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
