It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Mom said you looked used
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
