no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
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After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
That was before I lit my hair on fire
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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