i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
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well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
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No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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